Unrequited
by Tabula-rasa33
Summary: Think about a woman. Doesn't know you're thinking about her. Doesn't care you're thinking about her. Makes you think about her even more. A/O. bit angsty.


Olivia's POV, I did this when I should have been working on Prayers (previously untitled.. yay I picked a title! ... no applause necessary.) or Satya. Whatever, it's a bit angsty... but you can imagine what happens after this. hell, you could even say this is a pre piece to Prayers, although it definitely wasn't written like that. Anyway, I wrote it like Olivia would be saying this to someone so the grammar/punctuation is a bit weird. deal. :)

**Disclaimer**: Even though I don't own either of these gorgeous ladies, Dick Wolf sure gave me free rein when he "killed off" Alex. so suck it Dicky-poo

Something always brings me back to you...

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone.  
You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.  
I never wanted anything so much;

than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Love.

It's a very small word with a very big meaning. I can love something, like a cat or my job, or some of the music I listen to… but that's very different than being in love with something. I mean I LOVE my job, but I'm not in love with it. I love my phone too, but it's not nearly like the love I have for her.

I feel silly. I always teased my best friends in college for falling too easily and too hard, and here I am finally admitting it… to myself at least. God this really sucks. I still can't believe it happened. It's crazy and ridiculous and totally not my style at all. Worst of all it hurts like hell. See the word love has such a huge meaning and when I say it my head starts to hurt. I hate it. I came to terms quite easily with having a crush. I had a crush on another person too… but it went away. It's so easy to like a couple things about a person, but the problem is I like all of her. I could see myself just sitting around with her, reading, drinking wine, talking about nothing… and that scares me. I'm so out of my league here. The guys in the squad only like her because she has a brain and because she's sexy… but they don't know what color her eyes are when she's drunk (yes, it's different), or when she's standing in the sunlight and they shine like sapphires, they only see her under the harsh fluorescent lights of the squad.

What scares me the most is that I want to get to know her quirks, I want to be the person she calls at the end of every day, not just after the ones where she needs a friend. Somehow I don't think this feeling is going away very easily or anytime soon. I hope it does, but every time she looks at me it builds just a little more on its own. I don't think Elliot knows how deep this runs, at least I hope not. Every time I talk to him about her, he just teases me, "Oh Benson, you finally did it. Fell in love." But I'll just shrug it off with a casual "I don't believe in that stuff." Or something similar, when unfortunately I know deep down that's exactly what it is.

One look. One smile, and my day is made. Especially when it's her real smile, not just one she would casually throw to one of the guys. She has her own smiles for me, every one of them reaches her eyes and makes them shine a little more, like with that smile she's telling me and only me a secret. When we fight over a case, or a warrant I'll prod her until I know she can't stand it, until I know she'll get right up and yell in my face because for that one brief moment, all of her attention is focused solely on me. I don't care if she's yelling at me for doing something stupid, or insulting her (on purpose), that's not what I pay attention to, just the way her eyes darken dangerously, like she's going in for the kill. It's amazing the amount of power just her gaze holds on me.

I told El if I ever died in the line of duty to tell her how I felt... but then I decided knowing that would hurt her even more on the inside, and I never want to hurt her. I'll just have to keep this unrequited love to myself and deal with how I feel every day until she climbs the ladder of success she's always talking about so lovingly. Being her friend was a total masochistic move on my part, so maybe when she leaves I can finally get some peace.

Until then I'll just suffer silently.


End file.
